ULIS Orientation
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Welcome, gentlemen. I am Head Archivist Giocondo. Some clown here may refer to me as The Nazi. Don't listen to them, ah ah, Site Minerva's boys are just a bit silly, that's all.

But let's talk about you. As you surely know, you have been sent here to Italy to assist in the researches along with us spaghetti-eaters. Yes, I know, it's fun. Spaghetti! Mandolino! Luigi! Yeah.

I'm sure that each of you has, more or less, a pretty solid idea - as stereotyped as it may be - of what Italy is all about, all the beautiful artistic wonders of different type to which this country has given life in a time span of well over 27 centuries.

Well, forget it. You're going to hate this country.

If you've been sent here - or if, you fools, you yourselves asked to be moved here - it means you've got a skillset, knowledge or intellect not quite ordinary among the Foundation personnel; perhaps you're particulary gifted in a field of science, or perhaps you managed to dechipher the hidden message in the Monna Lisa, too. You'll need these abilities.

You see, here at ULIS we discovered something quite interesting: our SCP-001-IT may be the cause of all our national problems.

Yeah, now you understand why you won't like it, I see. Good, happy to have gotten it out of the way.

Another couple of things. You are in Italy now, and you're expected to talk in Italian. No, you can't speak Spanish because "it's similar". You will speak and you will write in Italian. When you'll be reporting to your superiors, or sending a letter home to family and friends… Oh, wait, sorry, nearly forgot it: you won't. You can't. You'll spend the rest of your life inside Italian borders, with absolutely zero contacts with the outer world. Lovely, isn't it?

I know, it's shit. But, that's the way it is. The S5 Council decided that bringing lots of great minds in here to study and contain local anomalies is itself a risk of other anomalies, as you will understand. As such, you'll always remain in one of our Sites, and you'll have to undergo a particular procedure to keep your brain… at bay.

Oh, come on! Let's behave like adults, for Diana's sake! You do work with the Foundation, gentlemen, this is one of the best things that can happen to you, if you compare it with the poor wretches working on SCP-010-IT!


… Good. Thank you for your understanding.

Very well, this session's over. As you'll see, rules around here can be… flexible. In fact, one of our unwritten rules is that all newbies have to take a little entry test, so to speak, nothing big, really. It's just there to assess how much - and if - you are apt for the tasks ahead, nothing too hard.

And if you don't pass it, well, you'll never have a thing to worry about, not ever. There will be always a nurse there for you, ready to feed you and clean your ass when you'll shit on yourselves. ULIS provided. And a bit from your salary, too. Well, mostly from you salary, really.

Oh, and for those who make it: I want a complete and comprehensive log on how you did it, and what you suggest in order to improve the test. The report must be no less than ten pages, all in perfect Italian.

And yes, The Nazi stands for "The Grammar Nazi". And trust me, you'll want me on your side, so I suggest you study.
Dismissed, exit's that way.

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