Item #: SCP-692-UA
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Due to the instantaneous nature of the anomaly and the geographical prevalence of the phenomenon, direct containment is currently considered impossible. Instead, the Organisation's efforts should be aimed at facilitating the rapid technological transition of mass telephone communications to a wireless basis. To achieve this goal, in addition to the direct research activities of the Organisation, it is also allowed to allocate external resources through the creation of thematic public grant programmes, research organisations, and science parks. Before their tasks are completed, the functioning of these programmes, organisations and parks should be ensured by a dedicated protected budget item, constituting at least 1,4% of the total profits of the Organisation's affiliated enterprises.
Description: SCP-692-UA denotes a destructive anomaly of unknown origin, recorded to date in the majority of Eurasian and North American regions. It manifests itself by appearing in commutators of telephone exchanges; when the communication channel is switched trough, it replaces the calling party's signal with an atypical one, which energy spectrum exceeds the generally accepted CCITT norms and lies within 300…8814 Hz, reaching the dynamic range of 42 dB.
Upon the reception of the telephone signal by the called party, the anomaly affects the transformer and the telephone cap of the device, presumably exerting a vibrating influence on the atomic structure of the handset, almost instantly turning it into a phallic object; the length and thickness of the object seems to correlate with the dimensions of the former. The proximity of the handset to the temporomandibular region of the head and the extraordinary speed of transformation have led to the death of the called party in all recorded cases, caused by terminal intracranial injuries, in some cases passing completely through the skull.
It has not yet been possible to establish the patterns of the anomalous manifestations. The list of persons killed due to its effects is characterised by a wide geographical and social dispersion, and in the vast majority of cases no connection could be established between them; those established are miniscule and give the impression of being accidental, such as visits to the same bakery or possession of astrology books in the home libraries.
If the victim has a telephone recording system, it may sometimes be possible to register a short dialogue or a fragment of speech when receiving the signal. The full set of transcripts of documented conversations is available to all employees with the Level 2 security clearance and higher, in the regional archive of the respective duty station. Below is the most notable of them, in the opinion of the research team.
Transcript 69-1W
Date and time: ██.██.████, 16:20.Location: Ukrainian SSR, Crimean Oblast, Sevastopol, ████████ str., building ██.
Persons involved: ██████████████ (hereinafter — С).
Text of the call:
(С): Yes?
(SCP-692-UA): Suck ass! [CONNECTION LOST]