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Credits
Article: SCP-ARR-DE-J - The PIRATES
Original: May be found here
Author:Evil Santa
Translator:Karpfisch
Item #: SCP-ARR-DE-J
Object Class: Neutralized (Maybe?)
Special Containment Procedures: Probably not of use anymore, but we should send some agents to the party conferences on Halloween. Just to keep everything in balance, of course. Though it would be funny to celebrate with them. But should the phenomenon occur again, the agents are allowed to only drink one cup of rum, roger?
All photos and videos of the event are to be send to all Foundation members. Should this containment procedure not be performed in its entirety, things will get messy. Tomorrow, all staff members are to kindly drop everything and we shall take a look at them together. I will bring all snacks and drinks, but you can also bring some on your own, of course. As someone had already leaked some videos to the public (I look at you, Jim), all must stay away from social media as to not spoil the surprise for themselves.
Technically, all party members should have been amnestitized, but we could not do that to them. Therefore, they had to only promise not to tell anyone about the anomalous things. They have adhered to it thus far.
Description: SCP-ARR-DE-J was a phenomenon on the 31/10/2023 at the party conference of the "Party for illegal in-take and real1 abduction and tucker-and-eatery-filled safekeepings". Apart from its way too long name, the party currently counts 70 members. Their goal is to collect and secure all existing silver coins, so that all Germans get enough food. They are an exceedingly good party and every employee should vote for them!2
On the 31/10/2023, all party members suddenly looked like stereotypical Hollywood pirates, which involves eye patches, peg legs, hooked hands and pirate hats. Some even looked like pirates famous through legends and popular movies (more about this in Addendum ARR-DE-J-1). Due to this fact, the chairperson had summoned all members to a party conference, where things got really wild and we all wished to have been there.
All members also showed a weird speech defect and talked like pirates from time to time. There were, however, no changes in behavior, even if things appear that way. They were already this crazy before and after the event. How so many people convince themselves to join the party is usually anomalous, but the O4 Council disallows us from investigating this further.
As the complete course of the day cannot be described without loosing its humor, the video protocol has been appended3. To not make it even more embarrassing for the party members, all were designated as "pirate" and given a number. Have fun!
Addendum ARR-DE-J-1:
Seven tables are placed in the room, on which ten members sit respectively. Two chairs the names Jack and Klaus have been carved in stand in the corner without table. One chair at the left table is empty, as the party leader stands and attempts to silence the party members.
Leader: Ahoy, me mates!
Pirates: Ahoy!
Leader: Like you I too stood up this morning and recognized my strange appearance. At first I thought [Pirate 69] would have once again played a prank on me …
Pirate 69: Arr! I wish I could have come up with this idea.
Leader: I realized, after having seen my wife, that this can't be the case. Considering he's a way too big simp.
Pirate 69: Your pirate bride still looks really beautiful, while you're still an ugly clever chatterer.
Leader: If you carry on like this, you're walking the plank! So, let us now talk about the important things.
Pirate 47: Women!
Leader: Aye, those too, but I meant money. Our treasure depot is continously getting more empty. Any ideas?
Pirate 21: The Landlubbers4 have enough of it! Let us plunder their treasure depot, while they have their next party conference.
Leader: It has been too long since our last foray. Good idea, [Pirate 21]. Alright, next point. How do we manage to get more henchmen?
Pirate 16: That's obvious! A nice traditional election campaign!
All Pirates: Aye!
Leader: And that's it. Keep your boarding sabers ready, our enemies have no chance. That will be a better battle than against the Kraken5!
Pirate 65: Hey, captain?
Leader: What's wrong?
Pirate 65: We should cutter through Germany on our ship to ensure we have a large audience during election.
Leader: Good idea! But would they be able to understand us? They still speak the language of those damn landlubbers.
Pirate 65: Then we will teach them our vernacularr. They will learn it faster than I can say "anchors aweigh".
Leader: Then we'll do it like this. Last point on the agenda: good rum costs way too many doubloons! Where do we get more? For some reason, it is not reimbursed to us, even though it's a part of our being. Heat your heads up, mates, who has the solution?
Pirate 42: Aye!
Leader: Spit it out!
Pirate 42: The Landlubbers have rum! Let's go next door and plunder the loot. Arr!
Approving murmur can be heard.
Leader: Good idea! Those moneybags don't know what to do with it anyways. Come on, mates! Let's tip one down the throat.
All party members stand up and limb to the adjoining room, where, coincidentally, the Landlubber's party conference is held. Unfortunately, there were no cameras, but a lot of bawling and also rat-like squeaking can be heard. A few minutes later, the party members return into the room with loads of rum, already visibly drunk.
Leader: Blimey! Never before had a foray ended so quickly. They were probably astonished by our appearance. But let us drink. A toast to more successful forays!
All Pirates: Aye, aye, captain!
Every party member takes a big gulp. Suddenly, the doors open and two persons rush inside, who are clothed in the same manner as the others. The first person looks like a certain pirate from a very famous film series, whose name must not be called due to copyright issues. Epic music plays from no visible source during their entry. The second has her head and neck not on her torso but in her hand.
Pirate 70: Lo and behold, you started without us.
Pirate 71: I come in late for once, because I noticed on the way that I forgot my head, and then this.
Pirat 33: Jack! Klaus! Late as always.
Leader: We're only two rum bottles in. Come here, ye' little pigs!
Pirate 70 and Pirate 71: Aye!
After two more bottles of rum, [Pirate 52] abruptly stands up and yells several insults towards the leader, followed by the call to execute a mutiny. But no one joins him.
Leader: Someone got too much of the good stuff. Walking the plank one time should teach him a lesson.
All in Unison: Plank! Plank! Plank!
Pirate 52: No, please! Anything but that!
Leader: Don't be such a jerk, you scaredy-cat.
Several party members carry [Pirate 52] on a table a long wooden board is placed on. Under loud roaring, he is being shoved to the end of the board by a colleague and ultimately pushed. He lands on his gut, makes swimming movements, and crawls out of the room in said manner.
Pirate 68: Arr! Serves him right! He always steels some of my doubloons.
Leader: Let's sing, until our voices fade and hope that this day never ends!
All: Yo-ho-ho.
Different pirate songs are sung until midnight, but mostly Drunken Sailor and Soon May the Wellerman Come. At midnight, all lost their pirate looks and went home visibly depressed.
Postscript: What I'm still unsure about: Why this specific party? So unfair. We would have deserved this fun way more. ~ Dr. Nager
If you take the first letter of every noun in the party's name, you receive the reason. And is a Foundation member even allowed to be the party leader of the Landlubbers, Dr. Nager?6 I will discuss this with the rest of the council. ~ O4-6.