Guided tour of Site-Yod
rating: +4+x

« Room 113-B. Here we are. Here they are. Welcome everyone ! »

The Doctor entered a room where thirty people in blouses and uniforms were waiting for him.

« Well, well well. Let me introduce myself, I'm the Dr. Grym, and we're effectively live from the Site-Yod, for those of you who were still doubting about the real nature of the shithole they fell in. I'm level 3, with some level 4 authorizations from time to time. If I can read these files right, and I think I do…. yeah, you're all 3 or 4 and you all freshly arrived in here. They told me to show you around and tell you what you should, or shouldn't, do. And I'm not talking of the thirty thousand of procedures you will have to swallow, if you didn't already have. You'll see they are quite effective, our containment specialists are true paranoids - professional deformation, you know - but some unpredictable shit can happen when you deal with theses fuckers we lock in here. Conscious predators, there's aint a lot of worse shit than that. To make it short, I'm gonna do a little presentation of the Site. Some kind of "Yod for Dummies" if you prefer. So, kids, put yourself with your buddy, hold your hands, and listen to the teacher.

Let's start with the basics of this fun house. Yod shelters, as I hope you already know, a lot of nice littles beasts. Like most of the Sites, we have a speciality here, and our speciality are the SCPs who are categorized as predators. This speciality of ours rewards us with the highest containment breach rate. These little shits are smart, believe me. C'mon, let's go, we gonna a move a bit. Two by two, holding hands, and we make it move, I'm gonna show you the place where you'll probably bleed to death in a few weeks.

Ah, yeah, there's also three categories of people, here, in Yod. Those who seriously screwed up and who are seen as expendables by the administration, those who are into serious sadomasochist shit, and those who are passionates with predators. If you are in the last category, there's a lot of chance we'll get along. Hey you, don't get too close of that window.

So. Where did I stop my speech ? Oh, yeah, what you should or shouldn't do. First of all, and I'm pretty amazed I still have to say this, even if some of them can seem nice and fluffy, don't go full retard. We only have Euclids or Keters here, and that's not because the guys played a bit with the classification. These things cannot be tamed, so, if there is ever a breach - and trust me, there will be a breach - run, or unload all your ammo. Don't try to calm them or to do it Jurassic World's Christ Pratt way. I'm just saying this cause some really tried. The last one was not that long ago, to be honest. When did you guys arrive ? Thursday ? Well, one day before, you could have known this fucktard. Here, look. That was just here, just beside this burn's trace on the wall. If you look closely you'll see there's still a little blood in here.

To be honest, most of these shits are still pretty logic. That's related to their predator behavior, those of you who already worked in animal sciences should know that. As long as their primary needs are fulfilled, you are most likely to be safe. That's some pretty Maslow shit. For the Agents in the group, I'm gonna translate it simply : run faster than the fat ones. They are always the first one to end up as a lunch. Hey, you, what's your name. Yes you. Am I pointing someone else ? Dr Kreiss ? Well, little guy, we'll gonna pass in front of the gymnasium in a few minutes, pro tip, you'd better get your ass there four times a week or you won't see your next Christmas.

I was here for the opening of this fucking Site and, as every good alcoholic with his favorite pub, I'm counting on doing the closing alive. To be honest, won't be that hard for me on this point, but we'll talk about it later at the cafeteria. Know your colleagues, other pro tip. Some of them are more dangerous than any of the beast in those cages. And we're not even in Site-Aleph. Oh, you already been there ? Ah ? You worked for the Engineering and Technical Service Department ? I knew you face did remind me something. You worked in Benji's team ? You'll see, my lad, here, we do it a little different way. Even though you shouldn't have too many problems in here if you survived Benji's "genius prototypes". But I'm going sideways. What was I saying ?

Oh yeah. The Site's history.
You must have seen and guessed, if you don't have too much shit in your eyes, that the Foundation didn't make most of the building, and that the urban designer of the place must have been a monkey under acids. That's normal, this Site use to be a town before. And, on a nice and lovely sunny day, popping straight out of Able's asshole, this little miracle. Stop, right there, here it is.

Look through the window. Do you see that ball held in magnetic levitation ? If anything touches this sphere, liquid or solid, I don't give our lifes two more hours. Here, ladies and gentlemen, stands SCP-023-FR. A predator who's going through solids and liquids, using them as part of its body to crunch you. We never find anything left of the victims after these littles tea parties. So this thing steps on the game, kill everybody in this damn town, we send a MTF, a commander suicide itself to bait the thing in this containment structure you see there, and we end up with something nearly impossible to move, and an empty town located somewhere between nothing and nowhere. Premium content for the O5, and tadaaaa ! A Site is born. Since all these little fun events, we brought here more fuckers. I'm not going through the whole list, you'll see them soon enough depending on your accreditation levels and affectations.

Okay, so here's the cafeteria. That's the place where you'll stay most of the time, doing fun things such as mourning good friends, or asking yourself where, when and how you gonna paint the walls with your blood. But we'll come back here later. Keep it moving ! Eheh, told you Kreiss, you'd better shake that ass of yours, here, everything is going fast. I'll show you a friend of mine, a containment specialist, he'll make you a little demo.

Oh, and by the way, if you cannot hear shit when you come through this little corridor, here, don't worry too much. It's just because they fucked up when they placed SCP-025-FR's vivarium, and this corridor is in his silencing-thing range. But if you ever stop hearing noise anywhere else in the Site, you'd better hit that alarm button fast. Visual alarms, if possible. For the Agents in the crowd, translation : little spinning lights. Oh, oh, oh ! Looks like we got one with some nerves in our little group ! You can get your hands of this gun, boy, won't be no use to you except if you want to end up as Keter-food. Yeah, as a D-Class. Thanks Kreiss. You may not be fast, but you're a good translator.

If there is ever a problem, call the person in charge of your team. Here, the alerts must spread quickly. If he's not answering, or if two Euclids are playing football with its head, you call the exterior command. If they aren't answering neither, congratulations, you're fucked, but you can try to call me, in general my phone is always by my side. Once the alert is given, follow the procedures, I'm not going through it, we already have enough formations on this kind of thing.
Worst that can happen to you : panic. If you're panicking, well. Condolences.

Ah, wait, we're close to the reception. Ray. Hey, Ray ! I cannot believe it, this fucker's deaf. RAY ! Ah, finally. You should stop listening to this dubstep shit from dusk till dawn, makes you deaf. Can you get me…. wait a second…. one, two, three…. twenty seven maps of the Site, little ones. Come here, kids, one by person, don't lose it. Very important : know this goddamn Site by heart. Know where to turn and when if you have a beast coming for your little ass. And know the rooms where we locked the most dangerous of them. I'm only getting that former cash if you manage to survive more than one year in here. So you'd better not fuck it up, and you gonna start learning this damn map.

So, wrap-up : knowing your map, not panicking, following the procedures, and obviously, staying in shape. Look at me. Soon one hundred years old and still not a bit of fat on that belly, in spite of all the pints I take down every week. No, I'm not kidding you. I'm really drinking like a whole russian regiment. Ah ? For the age ? Not kidding you on that neither. I'm telling you, know your colleagues. That's pretty important. Everyone here deals with seriously dangerous stuff. If you didn't receive your affectations already, don't expect a nice, apple-green threat level, prepare yourself for a big bad red. Like the head of the guy who ended up against this wall here two weeks ago. The first one who fucks up kills everyone. Know your colleagues, in case of containment breach, knowing who's able of doing what is the key. As is knowing who's the slowest of the group.

So, if you are normal beings, you may ask yourself right now how you could quit this hell as fast as possible. There ain't a lot of choice, thought. There is two way you get out of Yod. In a coffin - just a way to say it, don't think there will be anything left of you - or with the honors. Those who survive Yod are often well-received by the hierarchy. Survive Yod, you'll survive an -XK. And if you can manage to make it through a few years, you'll get your golden promotion to end your career on a nice dimensional anomaly, with a generous research fund.

Well, I think we went through most of the most important shit we had to discuss. Ah. Wait, here it is. Kreiss, here's your new home : the gymnasium. So move your ass and go there as soon as we finish our little tour.

If you have any questions, go for it. Nothing ? Good. We'll see if you'll survive. Pleasure to meet you, hope we'll have the opportunity to meet again, I mean, alive. I'm not in Yod 24/7 but I'm managing a lot of work on a few SCPs here, so maybe some of you will end up in my work teams. I'm leaving for Aleph in two days, so if you have any late comments or questions, go for it when I'm still here. Otherwise, see you when I come back for those who managed to survive until this.

That's where I'm leaving you. You can all go back to your quarters.

Except you, Kreiss."

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